“Lord, help”! They cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains. Let them praise the Lord for this great love and the wonderful things He has done for them.” Psalms 107:13-15
For me, the answer to “why did you stop drinking” is simple. I got to the point where continuing to drink and feeling absolutely miserable about myself was harder than facing life without alcohol forever. I was done.
Getting to this point (being done) was years in the making. I suffered horrible debilitating anxiety and while the wine did help for a bit while drinking it at night, the anxiety was so much worse the next day. It would start with a panic attack at about 3am and move to self-loathing, guilt and shame that would last throughout the day until about 5pm where I would then begin the battle of the wine. Should I or shouldn’t I? Knowing exactly what I would choose. I was on a very sick and vicious cycle.
Until I had a few months of sobriety behind me I didn’t even realize how sad my life had become. I was completely self-absorbed in my own head. I just simply existed. What a joy was I?! I know I thought I did a fairly good job hiding this mess from the world, but my drinking affected the ones I love the most and that will always be a deep regret. Most people have no clue that I was drinking a bottle of wine (or more..ugh!) per night. I was killing myself trying to over compensate for my behavior, especially in the Mom department. I volunteered, drove carpool, was room Mom, team Mom, attended bible study and sat in church like a good Christian girl should, but in the middle of the night my two worlds would collide and I was tortured, literally tortured. I was so convicted about my behavior. Shame would come over me like a wave and I would feel a very dark and terrifying sadness.
EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
For the longest time I thought God was the one torturing me. I felt like He was angry or disappointed in me and this agonizing anxiety was my punishment. I was so wrong. I was doing this to myself. In fact, as soon as I stopped drinking this nightly torture session ended…….immediately! I was feeling convicted because I knew what I was doing was wrong and by continuing to do it I was giving Satan open access into my life. I do believe the Lord was able to use my tortured mind to help me once and for all stop, but not because He was mad, but because He loves me. How sad He must have been to see me, his beloved child, so scared and unhappy. I went for years waking up at 3am feeling like this. It was insanity. Now I enjoy very good sleep every night! I mean good, deep, healing sleep.
Restore In Me 