The Plan

I talked a little about my sobriety plan and the importance I believe it had in me finally getting sober.  I had many half-hearted, moderately hearted and even whole-hearted ATTEMPTS at sobriety over the course of about 3 years.  That last year from January 1st-November 9th they were whole hearted, but it wasn’t sticking.  I prayed for help and God made it clear to me that I needed a plan!

Since I had so many attempts and periods of sobriety already under my belt I was able to gather a few tools in my sober toolbox along the way.  In addition to reading the bible I had also read many sobriety books/memoirs, found a podcast that helped immensely (I’ll talk more about that!!) and followed several blogs.  I knew on November 9, 2016 that if I truly wanted to never drink again that my life needed to radically change.  Now, with that said, this suburban Mom wasn’t really living on the edge exactly so it wasn’t really “radical” for anyone else but me.

The podcast I mentioned earlier is called The Bubble Hour.  I learned so so much and I still listen to it now.  It is real life stories, which means it is all our stories.  You will listen to it and just shake your head…”yep, that is me too”.  I remembered listening to one of the hosts talk about how when she first go sober she had to radically change her routine.  She even started walking into her house through a different door because her old routine included coming in and pouring a glass of wine before she even took her coat off (no judgement-been there-done that!).  I went through my daily routine in my mind and decided to change things up!

• I started getting up at 5am to read God’s Word, pray, drink coffee and plan my day without distraction.  I was NOT an early morning person (but now I am!).
• I let myself sleep when I was tired.  I slept A LOT that first month.  I was physically, spiritually and mentally EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED and EMPTY.
• I threw out EVERY wine glass I owned.
• I started making dinner in the morning or at noon (cooking was a trigger).
• I stayed home a lot and didn’t feel a bit guilty for saying “no”.
• I stopped hanging around friends who drank heavily.
• I got some accountability.  I told a couple of trusted friends and family members, I had never done that before.

Like I said, nothing really “radical”, well maybe throwing away all my wine glasses, but  I’m glad they are gone!  That cabinet is now filled with mugs, pretty tea cups, coffee beans and a HUGE selection of delicious herbal teas!!  That cabinet makes me so happy now!

I’m using the “change-up” on some other things in my life too.  It’s just so easy to get in a stinky rut……poor diet, negative thinking, too much social media, etc.  Time to make a few changes.  We are always a work in progress, thank you God for your mercy and grace : )

My Why

“Lord, help”!  They cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.  Let them praise the Lord for this great love and the wonderful things He has done for them.”     Psalms 107:13-15

For me, the answer to “why did you stop drinking” is simple.  I got to the point where continuing to drink and feeling absolutely miserable about myself was harder than facing life without alcohol forever.  I was done.

Getting to this point (being done) was years in the making.  I suffered horrible debilitating anxiety and while the wine did help for a bit while drinking it at night, the anxiety was so much worse the next day. It would start with a panic attack at about 3am and move to self-loathing, guilt and shame that would last throughout the day until about 5pm where I would then begin the battle of the wine.  Should I or shouldn’t I?  Knowing exactly what I would choose.  I was on a very sick and vicious cycle.

Until I had a few months of sobriety behind me I didn’t even realize how sad my life had become.  I was completely self-absorbed in my own head.  I just simply existed.  What a joy was I?!  I know I thought I did a fairly good job hiding this mess from the world, but my drinking affected the ones I love the most and that will always be a deep regret.  Most people have no clue that I was drinking a bottle of wine (or more..ugh!) per night.  I was killing myself trying to over compensate for my behavior, especially in the Mom department.  I volunteered, drove carpool, was room Mom, team Mom, attended bible study and sat in church like a good Christian girl should, but in the middle of the night my two worlds would collide and I was tortured, literally tortured.  I was so convicted about my behavior.  Shame would come over me like a wave and I would feel a very dark and terrifying sadness.

EVERY.  SINGLE.  NIGHT.

For the longest time I thought God was the one torturing me.  I felt like He was angry or disappointed in me and this agonizing anxiety was my punishment.  I was so wrong.  I was doing this to myself.  In fact, as soon as I stopped drinking this nightly torture session ended…….immediately!  I was feeling convicted because I knew what I was doing was wrong and by continuing to do it I was giving Satan open access into my life.  I do believe the Lord was able to use my tortured mind to help me once and for all stop, but not because He was mad, but because He loves me.  How sad He must have been to see me, his beloved child, so scared and unhappy.  I went for years waking up at 3am feeling like this.  It was insanity.  Now I enjoy very good sleep every night!  I mean good, deep, healing sleep.

 

Day 1

My LAST Day 1 was November 9, 2016.

I had many failed attempts at sobriety at this point and had been trying very hard to moderate in every way I could think of, but with no success.  I was trying desperately to keep my beloved wine, even though I knew deep down it was killing me.

Earlier that year in January I had decided to really quit drinking for good.  I didn’t have the usual voices in the way back of my mind telling me that I really didn’t mean “for good”.  It was finally a very sincere attempt at being sober forever.  That lasted 6 weeks.  I tried again over the weeks following and then in March I did something different.  I included God.  I asked for help and not the “Oh God please help me” while waking up from a hangover help.  It was a life changing experience that I will never forget.  I wept for hours in my living room praying for forgiveness, pleading for my family and inviting the Holy Spirit back into my home.  After that day something was different.  A new spiritual commitment?  A deeper understanding of grace?  I’m not really sure actually, but it was very special.  I know the Lord was right there with me that day, I felt his presence so vividly and he answered my prayers…..but it took a few more months for me to get where he needed me to be and that was full surrender.

I had a few more failed attempts at sobriety between that afternoon in March and the morning of November 9^th.  Each time hurt a little more and each time that I went back to that glass I had a deeper sadness.  I now recognize that this deeper sadness was conviction and the Holy Spirit was working to protect me from yet another bad decision, another bad 3am night, another day of horrible anxiety, another day(s) of feeling worthless and shameful.  I felt so bad and I know that it took all those horrible days and nights, that were rapidly getting progressively worse, for me to get to the point that continuing to drink hurt more than stopping.

When I woke up that morning in November I said “Lord, this has to be it”.  I knew that if I didn’t change in a radical way I would either die or go crazy.  I spent that day putting together a sober plan, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone.  The Lord was right there beside me.  He gave me wisdom and insight slowly and as needed so to not overwhelm me.  He allowed me to work towards the opportunity to heal spiritually, physically and mentally.  I also had/have an amazing support in my husband.  He has been through a lot with me and it got ugly at times.  He is still my best confidant and friend and best of all, when all else fails, he gets me ice cream.  He’s a keeper : )

I am so grateful for God’s mercy and grace.  I’m still so overwhelmed for all He has done for me and how SO much has changed for the GOOD.  That wine I was holding on to with all my might took me to dark, isolated and hopeless places BUT GOD pulled me up, took my hand and set me back on his path.  I pray everyday that I never stray in any way again.

Cooking

When I think about my drinking journey I often think about when my social drinking switched to at home drinking and then ultimately daily drinking.  Like EVERYTHING with alcohol, it was a progression and it started in my kitchen. 

My love for cooking began around the same time I started bringing wine into my home.  Before then we only had alcohol in the house if we were entertaining or for a holiday, so pouring a glass of wine on a random Tuesday night just didn’t happen……until it did.

 I began watching cooking shows and experimenting with fun recipes.  I soon found that I really enjoyed cooking……a lot!  The chefs on TV often had a glass of wine beside them and I thought, why not?!  It seemed fancy and cool.  It started very innocently:  cooking, soft jazz, a glass of wine, but like most drinking stories, the amounts of wine increased as well as the number of evenings and viola….it became an every night thing.

 Cooking was a HUGE trigger for me for the first month of sobriety so I knew the 5:00 hour was going to be tricky.  I still had a family to feed so I had to get creative.  I found a few ways to avoid or distract during the kitchen/cooking/wine time that I found to be helpful .

·     I started using my crockpot.  A whole meal, one pot and you can start earlier in the day.

·     I made dinner at lunchtime.

·     We ate out more.

·     I would prep everything in the morning so it would be quick to throw together.

·     I drank a gingerale while I cooked.  I would only drink it at that time so it was a treat and the fizz helped.

·     I watched my favorite TV show while cooking instead of the music.  The show was distracting and funny so it helped make the time go by quicker.

·     We ate dinner early and did other things in the evenings like watch TV, go out for ice cream, play a game, read, etc.

Eventually I realized I was cooking and no longer even thought of wine.  It didn’t even cross my mind anymore.  It took deliberate action at first but God helped me and gave me many tools along the way!  It’s funny what they say that it takes about 30 days to learn a new habit or break an old one and that really is about how long it took to get used to a new evening routine.  I’m so thankful that God not only forgives (old routine) but also RESTORES (new routine).

Why did this time work?

Second to “why did you quit” is always “how did you quit“?!

Why, when I chose to quit drinking over a year and a half ago, did it stick?  Why was this time different than the last time or all the many times before?  Good question.

Well, I have a couple ideas on that.  I think before it could finally click a few things had to happen first.

I needed to fail.

 I had to crash and burn a few times on the moderation train.  I had to try moderation in several ways (only drink on weekends, only drink when we go out, no more than two  drinks, switch to a something other than wine, etc.) and FAIL at ALL of them EVERY time so I would not be able to have a few months under my belt and think all is good.  That happened one time after I had not had a drink in two months and I found myself at a restaurant looking at the wine list.  I sat there thinking to myself “I clearly did NOT have a problem with alcohol.  If I truly have a drinking problem, if I really was drinking alcoholically, I wouldn’t be able to stop for even one day much less two months”!  That evening I drank a bottle of wine and continued the on again off again cycle for another 9 months.  I needed that experience, it wasn’t pretty, but I needed it.

I needed a plan.

By this point (6 years) I had read several recovery books, followed many blogs and started listening to a podcast that helped me beyond measure, called The Bubble Hour.  The Bubble Hour concept is all about having a plan, more like a comfort plan, for the early days/weeks of sobriety which turn into a self care plan for the weeks and years to come.  Picture in your mind a big virtual bubble that you go in to with all of your favorite things to hide from the boozy world!   My bubble included my favorite warm blanket, ice cream, sobriety books, mindless TV, sappy movies, peanut M&Ms, diet ginger ale, fuzzy pajamas, etc.  Even now, when I feel overwhelmed or out of sorts I will retreat to my bubble and get myself together.  It is all about learning how to be cope, be comfortable and find contentment again without the numbing of wine.  I am still so shocked at how happy I am with the simplest of things now!  When you spend so much time and energy numbing out the bad (and good) you lose sight on how to feel and process.  This just helps you find a cozy place to just be okay.

I needed support. 

My husband has been beyond supportive.  He is my biggest fan and celebrates every sober milestone I achieve.  I also have great support from my family and a few trusted friends.  The support also serves as accountability.  I don’t want to let myself down and I for sure don’t want to let them down.  Telling a few people who I know love me, want the best for me and are committed to pray for me is life changing.  Everything in me wants to keep my life, especially this part of my life, to myself.  I have found that as I slowly open up it has allowed me an opportunity to help others with similar struggles.  When you feel like you are helping someone else stay on track it teleports you into a whole different level of strength and determination.  Support received and support given are equally essential in my recovery.

These three experiences and tools have been super helpful.  I still need the memories of failure, the support of loved ones and the peace of structure and comfort to get me through every day.  They were all stepping stones of importance and they all had their place.  Looking back I can see that my God devised a way to bring me back to him.  Every time I failed and got back up he gave me a new tool to use until it finally worked!

But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.

2 Samuel 14:14b

600 days

Yesterday I celebrated 600 days of living alcohol free and woke up to a very special and thoughtful surprise. I love donuts but rarely eat them, and my handsome husband had this waiting for me when I got up early this morning. He actually got up at 4am to make sure it would be ready before I got up. He is my number one fan and my biggest support. I know I wouldn’t be celebrating 600 days without him helping me along because there have been many days I wanted to give up and give in, like two nights ago.

This past week has actually been a pretty tough week. I have been emotional, angry and pretty much a hot mess. I have had some tough days here and there but this had lasted a bit longer and it worried me. I thought that these feelings had come out of nowhere but in retrospect I can see that I had been progressively letting my thinking go down a dark and delusional path about what I thought I was missing out on, how hard certain social situations are, and how EVERYONE drinks but me and I am a boring loser. Needless to say as the days of this crazy thinking went on I grew more and more bitter.

This all came to a head two nights ago while my husband and I were on a nice date night and I was full of venom and resentment. I was being obnoxious and I knew it but I didn’t care because for some reason earlier that evening I had been suddenly consumed with the notion of going to a swanky bar and having a glass of wine, like I used to do on Saturday nights. Finally my very patient husband had me talk it out and I realized what was going on. I knew deep down that I really didn’t want to go to a bar, I was just in a really bad state. After our talk I felt a little better because I had some insight on my negative thinking and I knew I needed God’s help to change my thoughts. As we drove to the restaurant I began to pray. At first it was through gritted teeth thanking Him for 599 days of sobriety and as I continued I felt my insides start to calm down and soften. I then thanked Him for changing my life, I thanked Him for the kind man beside me who loves and was trying to make me laugh and I thanked Him that I don’t deal with these intense feelings very often and that I knew He would allow it to pass and it did.

Often times, when I am in a spin cycle of “I feel bad and I don’t know why” it is because I have been mindlessly letting my thoughts go down the road of what I can’t or don’t have and not on what I can and do have! I remember the first time I started studying about mindset and what God means by “renewing our minds” (Romans 12:2).  I read Joyce Meyer’s book called The Battlefield of the Mind.  One of the things she talked about was praying God’s truth and promises, being thankful and trusting that God will change your heart to match your words.  That is what I did Saturday night on the way to the restaurant and God did soften my heart. Unfortunately it took most of the week of wrestling with this to get to that point.  Ughh, I am a slow learner!!!

By the time we reached the restaurant I felt better and my heart matched my words. I went to bed with a clear head and woke up to not only a hangover free morning but also to a very sweet surprise. I am thankful for the love and grace shown by both my Heavenly Father and my husband that night because even though I didn’t deserve their love and grace, neither God or my husband held a grudge on my crummy behavior AND they both were very happy to celebrate with me yesterday in a very special way!

 

The Beginning

It was an ordinary day, I’m sure.  Do I remember the date or what was exactly going on that day?  No, I don’t really, but I remember very clearly the “tug” that was starting to brew deep in my soul.  I was reading a short devotional that I read every morning.  It usually had one verse and a very short life application explanation.  I liked it because it was quick and fulfilled a “quiet time” check on my to-do list (sad but true).  This particular morning the verse read:

“Restore in me the joy of your salvation and make me willing to obey you.”       Psalm 51:12

 

Two words jumped off the page, JOY and OBEY.  I knew I didn’t have joy in my life and I knew I wasn’t obeying God.  In fact, I was on a very vicious cycle of joyless-ness and disobedience.  I was a woman in need of God’s emotional and physical healing (joyless), but I chose to self medicate myself by drinking wine, and lots of it (disobedience).  I would love to say that was also the day I totally removed alcohol from my life to never return to it but unfortunately that day didn’t come for a few more years on November 9, 2016.  

My journey to healing has truly been, and will continue to be, a process.  I love how my God is not a God of confusion and chaos but of order and systems.  He showed that right from the start in Genesis 1 with creation and continued to show us with many examples in his word.  I had no idea what was in store for me that November morning.  I believed with all of my heart that if I just stopped drinking ALL my problems would go away and iron out immediately.  Not quite.  I had to stop drinking to even begin to dig in, that is true, but there have been so many layers that needed to be peeled away.  I just didn’t realize how much I was numbing my life, the bad times and the good times!!  

So, here I am, 844 days later and I don’t regret it for a minute.  The peace and order that God has restored in me, my family and my home is a gift that I hope I never take for granted or ever get used to.  Part of the journey has been realizing how dark, isolated and chaotic my life had become and it was all by my own doing.  I am so incredibly grateful that God heard my desperate prayers in the midst of my rebellion and piece by piece put me back together.