The Plan

I talked a little about my sobriety plan and the importance I believe it had in me finally getting sober.  I had many half-hearted, moderately hearted and even whole-hearted ATTEMPTS at sobriety over the course of about 3 years.  That last year from January 1st-November 9th they were whole hearted, but it wasn’t sticking.  I prayed for help and God made it clear to me that I needed a plan!

Since I had so many attempts and periods of sobriety already under my belt I was able to gather a few tools in my sober toolbox along the way.  In addition to reading the bible I had also read many sobriety books/memoirs, found a podcast that helped immensely (I’ll talk more about that!!) and followed several blogs.  I knew on November 9, 2016 that if I truly wanted to never drink again that my life needed to radically change.  Now, with that said, this suburban Mom wasn’t really living on the edge exactly so it wasn’t really “radical” for anyone else but me.

The podcast I mentioned earlier is called The Bubble Hour.  I learned so so much and I still listen to it now.  It is real life stories, which means it is all our stories.  You will listen to it and just shake your head…”yep, that is me too”.  I remembered listening to one of the hosts talk about how when she first go sober she had to radically change her routine.  She even started walking into her house through a different door because her old routine included coming in and pouring a glass of wine before she even took her coat off (no judgement-been there-done that!).  I went through my daily routine in my mind and decided to change things up!

• I started getting up at 5am to read God’s Word, pray, drink coffee and plan my day without distraction.  I was NOT an early morning person (but now I am!).
• I let myself sleep when I was tired.  I slept A LOT that first month.  I was physically, spiritually and mentally EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED and EMPTY.
• I threw out EVERY wine glass I owned.
• I started making dinner in the morning or at noon (cooking was a trigger).
• I stayed home a lot and didn’t feel a bit guilty for saying “no”.
• I stopped hanging around friends who drank heavily.
• I got some accountability.  I told a couple of trusted friends and family members, I had never done that before.

Like I said, nothing really “radical”, well maybe throwing away all my wine glasses, but  I’m glad they are gone!  That cabinet is now filled with mugs, pretty tea cups, coffee beans and a HUGE selection of delicious herbal teas!!  That cabinet makes me so happy now!

I’m using the “change-up” on some other things in my life too.  It’s just so easy to get in a stinky rut……poor diet, negative thinking, too much social media, etc.  Time to make a few changes.  We are always a work in progress, thank you God for your mercy and grace : )

My Why

“Lord, help”!  They cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.  Let them praise the Lord for this great love and the wonderful things He has done for them.”     Psalms 107:13-15

For me, the answer to “why did you stop drinking” is simple.  I got to the point where continuing to drink and feeling absolutely miserable about myself was harder than facing life without alcohol forever.  I was done.

Getting to this point (being done) was years in the making.  I suffered horrible debilitating anxiety and while the wine did help for a bit while drinking it at night, the anxiety was so much worse the next day. It would start with a panic attack at about 3am and move to self-loathing, guilt and shame that would last throughout the day until about 5pm where I would then begin the battle of the wine.  Should I or shouldn’t I?  Knowing exactly what I would choose.  I was on a very sick and vicious cycle.

Until I had a few months of sobriety behind me I didn’t even realize how sad my life had become.  I was completely self-absorbed in my own head.  I just simply existed.  What a joy was I?!  I know I thought I did a fairly good job hiding this mess from the world, but my drinking affected the ones I love the most and that will always be a deep regret.  Most people have no clue that I was drinking a bottle of wine (or more..ugh!) per night.  I was killing myself trying to over compensate for my behavior, especially in the Mom department.  I volunteered, drove carpool, was room Mom, team Mom, attended bible study and sat in church like a good Christian girl should, but in the middle of the night my two worlds would collide and I was tortured, literally tortured.  I was so convicted about my behavior.  Shame would come over me like a wave and I would feel a very dark and terrifying sadness.

EVERY.  SINGLE.  NIGHT.

For the longest time I thought God was the one torturing me.  I felt like He was angry or disappointed in me and this agonizing anxiety was my punishment.  I was so wrong.  I was doing this to myself.  In fact, as soon as I stopped drinking this nightly torture session ended…….immediately!  I was feeling convicted because I knew what I was doing was wrong and by continuing to do it I was giving Satan open access into my life.  I do believe the Lord was able to use my tortured mind to help me once and for all stop, but not because He was mad, but because He loves me.  How sad He must have been to see me, his beloved child, so scared and unhappy.  I went for years waking up at 3am feeling like this.  It was insanity.  Now I enjoy very good sleep every night!  I mean good, deep, healing sleep.

 

Day 1

My LAST Day 1 was November 9, 2016.

I had many failed attempts at sobriety at this point and had been trying very hard to moderate in every way I could think of, but with no success.  I was trying desperately to keep my beloved wine, even though I knew deep down it was killing me.

Earlier that year in January I had decided to really quit drinking for good.  I didn’t have the usual voices in the way back of my mind telling me that I really didn’t mean “for good”.  It was finally a very sincere attempt at being sober forever.  That lasted 6 weeks.  I tried again over the weeks following and then in March I did something different.  I included God.  I asked for help and not the “Oh God please help me” while waking up from a hangover help.  It was a life changing experience that I will never forget.  I wept for hours in my living room praying for forgiveness, pleading for my family and inviting the Holy Spirit back into my home.  After that day something was different.  A new spiritual commitment?  A deeper understanding of grace?  I’m not really sure actually, but it was very special.  I know the Lord was right there with me that day, I felt his presence so vividly and he answered my prayers…..but it took a few more months for me to get where he needed me to be and that was full surrender.

I had a few more failed attempts at sobriety between that afternoon in March and the morning of November 9^th.  Each time hurt a little more and each time that I went back to that glass I had a deeper sadness.  I now recognize that this deeper sadness was conviction and the Holy Spirit was working to protect me from yet another bad decision, another bad 3am night, another day of horrible anxiety, another day(s) of feeling worthless and shameful.  I felt so bad and I know that it took all those horrible days and nights, that were rapidly getting progressively worse, for me to get to the point that continuing to drink hurt more than stopping.

When I woke up that morning in November I said “Lord, this has to be it”.  I knew that if I didn’t change in a radical way I would either die or go crazy.  I spent that day putting together a sober plan, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone.  The Lord was right there beside me.  He gave me wisdom and insight slowly and as needed so to not overwhelm me.  He allowed me to work towards the opportunity to heal spiritually, physically and mentally.  I also had/have an amazing support in my husband.  He has been through a lot with me and it got ugly at times.  He is still my best confidant and friend and best of all, when all else fails, he gets me ice cream.  He’s a keeper : )

I am so grateful for God’s mercy and grace.  I’m still so overwhelmed for all He has done for me and how SO much has changed for the GOOD.  That wine I was holding on to with all my might took me to dark, isolated and hopeless places BUT GOD pulled me up, took my hand and set me back on his path.  I pray everyday that I never stray in any way again.